The Life and Times of Mr P I Weasley
by Author Gal
Summary: Since the release of the Harry Potter series, I have noted that there is increasing interest in the lives of the characters that participated in this tale. I, Percy Weasley, have recorded my role in these events for documentation purposes.
1. The Length of One's Stride

The Life and Time of Mr. P. I. Weasley.

To the Readers of This Tale,

Greetings.

Due to the recent release of the Harry Potter series, I have noted that there is increasing interest in the lives and actions of the characters that participated in this tale. I, Percy Weasley, have taken the time to record my role in these events in order to correct some of the interesting opinions about me and my role. However my dear wife and I are having some disputes over which order we should put these stories, chronologically or in order of importance. We have reached an agreement; whichever one we finish first.

Please enjoy the first of many small segments of my life.

_P. Weasley._

**Chapter One**: The Length of One's Stride

How long had it been? How many hours had Percy been pacing this piece of carpet?

_One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, turn. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, turn. _

He glanced at the clock, 9:15pm. He should have heard by now! Damn, where was that bloody letter?

He went back to pacing.

_One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, turn. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, turn. One, two, three, four… _four

"You changed the length of your stride." Charlie told him, grinning widely. Percy stared at him, blinking owlishly.

"No, I haven't. I don't change the length of my stride. It's is exactly one meter in length. It has been that long for years. It has never changed!" Percy explained as if to a child, though his voice somewhat higher than usual.

"Perce is right, it didn't change. These two-" Here Bill indicated Fred and George. "-Have shrunk the rug."

Percy glared at his brothers, who fell about laughing. "This. Is. NOT. A. Laughing. Matter!" He hissed through clenched teeth. Chuckling, Bill stood up and put his arm around his little brother.

"Perce, you are going to have to calm down. I promise you will get the Owl soon."

"You said that exactly –" A quick glance to the clock. "-Forty three minutes ago."

"They probably just forgot to owl you in the excitement of the moment." Ginny tried to sooth him.

"Forgot! I am the single most important person in her life and you think she would forget?"

"_The_ most important?" Ron grinned.

"Without doubt."

"Well, maybe she has met someone else to take your treasured spot." George said dramatically.

"After all, she has been out of your sight for almost fourteen hours." Fred reminded him.

"Thirteen hours and fifty-six minutes." Percy muttered subconsciously, his brow creased with worry. "She wouldn't, would she?" He asked Bill desperately, Bill being the only sibling he could place a somewhat small degree of trust in.

"Boys, stop teasing your brother." Arthur chuckled as he walked into the living room. "This is a very stressful time for Percy, so show him a little support. I should know, I went through it seven times." Arthur grinned, clapping a hand on his son's shoulder. "She'll be fine."

"Does it get any easier?" Percy muttered, taking his glasses off to rub the bridge of his nose, shoulder's dropping.

"No." Arthur chuckled, sitting down. It was the same chair that he had sat in for as long as Percy could remember. Actually, looking around, Percy noticed that everyone had taken up residence in his or her usual seat at The Burrow. Bill and Charlie sat on the couch with Ginny squashed between them, Fred and George lay on the floor and Ron occupied one of the hard wooden chairs, leaving the other one for Percy. Percy had, however, abandoned it some time ago to 'stretch hie legs'. Four hours and nineteen minutes ago, to be exact. _It should be here by now…_

"That's it! I can't stand this anymore!" Percy declared, walking towards the floo jar. "I have got to go and make sure she's all right."

"NO!" Seven voices yelled, and suddenly Percy found himself buried under all of his siblings.

"You are not going anywhere!"

"She does not need you there!"

"The stress would do her more harm than good!"

"Hey! He's putting up a fight!"

"Grab his wand!"

"Ow! He bites!"

"Percy, don't bite!"

"I've got his wand Ginny!"

"Good for you, Ron!"

"Thanks Bill! Dad, catch!"

"Gerroff me!"

"Not a chance, little Bro."

"Gah, he's fighting back!"

"He's got my hair! Help!"

"Pin his arms!"

"Arms are pinned!"

"We are far too old for this."

"Speak for yourself, I'm still young and beautiful."

"You're young…"

"Hey, you're meant to be on our side!"

"Sorry!"

"GET OFF ME!"

"He's still struggling!"

"Why won't he just give up?"

"He's a Weasley, that's why!"

"Boys! Ginny! What are you doing to Percy?"

"Nothing, Mom-"

"He was threatening-"

"We couldn't let him-"

"She'd die-"

"- to go-"

"- he's not allowed –"

"- embarrassment!"

"Quiet! Arthur, what's going on? Why do you have Percy's wand, for Merlin's sake?"

"Ron gave it to me!"

"Oh, thanks Dad!"

"Hermes!" Percy cried, wriggling out of his siblings' grasp and racing across the floor. Molly smiled and disappeared into the kitchen. With trembling fingers Percy took the letter from the ancient owl, only to have it whisked out of his hand.

"George!" Percy bellowed as his brother danced out of the way. "GIVE THAT BACK!"

"To me!" Ginny called gleefully as George threw the letter. With a cry of exasperation Percy dived after her, only to see that the letter had moved into Charlie's grasp.

"Damn it! I demand that you give me that letter!" Percy roared as he tried to snatch it back, all pride and dignity forgotten.

"On what grounds?" Charlie teased, tossing it to Fred.

"As the bloody recipient! As ex-Head Boy! As the bloody Vice Minister of Magic!"

"Well, as another 'ex-Head Boy', I take back all your claims!" Bill grinned as he caught the letter.

"Bill!" Percy lunged at his brother, furious.

"You know, technically you may not be the recipient." Bill mused as he tossed to letter to Ron.

"What?!? You bloody well know it's for me!" Percy gasped out, his hair mussed and glasses skewed.

"S'right. I don't see 'Percy Weasley' on it anywhere. All it says is 'Weasley'. It could be for any of us really."

"It's for me and you know it! Hermes is my owl, I'm the only one expecting a really important letter right now! Ron, _please_, give me the letter!" Percy begged, hand outstretched, pleading desperately with his younger brother. Ron hesitated, obviously feeling some pity towards his older sibling, but his decision was made for him when a group of women walked into the kitchen.

"Ron, what's going on?" Hermione asked her husband, brow raised.

"Nothing much." Ron told her, feigning innocence.

"What's in your hand?" Penelope asked, amused.

"Penelope! The letter's here and these traitors won't give it to me!" Percy told his wife despairingly, still with his hand towards Ron.

"It's here? Oh, let me see!" Penelope squealed, and Ron, pleased to have discovered a way out of his dilemma, gladly handed it to her.

Sitting down, she tore the seal open and quickly read the contents of the letter, Percy studying her face.

"Well?" Fleur cried, crossing her arms impatiently. Without a word, Penelope passed Percy the letter, staring at him.

Percy took it, fingers trembling as he read the contents. Minutes passed, and Percy slumped into his chair, hands covering his face.

"Gryffindor." He croaked. "My little girl's a Gryffindor." He smiled as the room erupted into cheers. Percy let out a loud 'whoop' and grabbed Penelope by her hands, dancing her around the room until the collapsed on the couch, breathless and laughing.

Percy took her face in his hands and kissed her soundly. "I believe that is ten Galleons you owe me, Mrs. Weasley." He teased her, grinning.

"Oh, sod off, you great git." Penelope pouted, her eyes sparkling. She sighed dramatically. "Courage has not left me, as I firmly believe that the next one will be in Ravenclaw."

"Anna? Oh, I doubt it. She's a Weasley through and through. She'll be in Gryffindor." Percy replied airily. Penelope raised a brow.

"Care to bet on that?"

"How much?"

"Ten Galleons."

"You have yourself a deal."

_Dear Mr. And Mrs. Weasley, _

_I am pleased to inform you that your daughter, Emmaline Weasley, has been sorted into Gryffindor and is settling in nicely. I am positive that she will contribute greatly to her class and peers, just as her parents did. Please do not hesitate to owl me if you have any questions or concerns._

_Regards,_

_M. McGonagall _

_Head of Gryffindor House, Deputy Headmaster_

* * *

This was one of the most important days of my adult life. With Emmaline in Gryffindor, it gave closer to all my rash actions as a youngster. My poor choices had not influenced my children. It was also one of the first times that I truly felt part of my family again, they teased me as they used to, I could use the word 'traitor' without it being followed by an uncomfortable silence. I was officially a Weasley once more, and I had passed on that legacy to my children. 

Because even though everything around you can change, there are some things that, at the end of the day, will always be the same. Like the length of your stride.

_P. Weasley. _


	2. Refusing to Drive

The Life and Times of Mr. P. I. Weasley. 

Dear Readers,

Greetings.

In the last chapter I dispelled the myth that somehow I am not a Weasley and that I have no place at The Burrow. This is utter rubbish, I care deeply for my family and am loved by them in return. I have made many foolish mistakes, it is true, but they are still my family.

In this segment I would like to eliminate the myth that I am a hard, callous person who has no friends and cares only for my studies. I do have friends, many of them in fact, one of whom is my classmate and house mate, Oliver Wood.

Please learn and enjoy.

_P. Weasley_

**Chapter Two**: Refusing to Drive

"Oliver, I am completely convinced that this is a Very Bad Plan."

"Nonsense. It'll be invigorating."

"Oliver…"

"Lighten up! I promise that you won't die."

"You're scaring me."

"And you're being a girl. I have driven before, you know. Now, get in."

"No."

"Pardon?"

"I absolutely refuse to put my life in your hands."

"Oh please! Who ever heard of a wizard dying in a car crash?"

"There is a first time for everything."

"Percy, you're so anal that you won't die today because it would ruin all your plans. I'll bet you've got a schedule up until the day you die."

"…"

"You don't!"

"I merely plan ahead, unlike someone who doesn't even know what they'll be doing after graduation."

"I live life on the edge!"

"Far too close to it, in my opinion."

"What will you do if you live longer than you planned for?"

"Thank Merlin that I didn't drive with you!"

"Come on Weasley, this is ridiculous. You're acting like you have never been in a car before."

"I have, many times. However it is not the mode of transport that I protest to as to the driver."

"I'm wounded! I passed my test with flying colours!"

"And yet I still won't travel with you."

"Do you let Penelope drive?"

"On occasions."

"And you won't drive with me!"

"She has a muggle-background. She is used to cars."

"My great-aunt Thelma was a squib."

"That doesn't count."

"Will it count if I snog you?"

"…"

"Percy?"

"Does Katie know that you have come out of the closet?"

"Hey! I'm not gay!"

"Oh really?"

"Yes really!"

"Then why do you constantly wear that tight black turtleneck jumper?"

"It keeps me warm."

"In an enchanted school where it is never cold?"

"Let me guess, _Hogwarts: A History_?"

"No, just deciphering the facts."

"What facts?"

"Well, you know, it gets to below zero outside and yet my arse has never frozen to the toilet seat."

"Yeah, well there are other explanations for that."

"What do you mean? What explanations?"

"You use a warming charm every time you use the loo."

"I do not!"

"Weasley, I share a room with you. I know these things."

"…"

"…"

"Are you sure you're not gay?"

"Weasley!"

"Hey, I'm not the one who is stalking me."

"That made no sense."

"Shut up."

"No. Now, get in the car."

"What car?"

"The one you are leaning on. Get. In."

"I think not."

"I will force you!"

"I'd like to see you try."

"I'm Quidditch Keeper."

"I'm too young to die."

"I'm stronger than you."

"I'm a Weasley, which means that I'm half stubborn and half obstinate. I'm not moving."

"…"

"…"

"You really are a jack-ass, aren't you?"

"Yes."

"Is there anyway I can convince you?"

"Only one."

"Which is?"

"Let me drive."

"WHAT? NO!"

"Then you will be apologizing to Katie on your own."

"Percy, don't do that! I need you to tell her how sorry I am."

"Wood, exactly how did you get me to help you again?"

"Blackmail."

"Oh yes. Bastard."

"Insults are like water off a duck's back, my friend."

"A relatively stupid argument."

"Did you know a duck's quack doesn't echo, and nobody knows why?"

"Did you know that you're an imbecile, and nobody knows why?"

"Leave the insults to Fred and George. You're terrible at them."

"Keep on like that, Wood, and I'll tell Katie your batting for the other team."

"Weasley!"

"It won't help your apology, will it?"

"Well, since you won't help me I won't be able to apologise anyway!"

"Doesn't fuss me."

"Oh, thanks for the sympathy."

"Your welcome."

"…"

"…"

"Please?"

"No."

"…"

"Stop making baby faces. You look pathetic."

"It makes an improvement on stupid and ugly!"

"…"

"Did I just insult myself?"

"I think so."

"Bugger."

"Indeed."

"Come on, please!"

"No."

"Percy, please. I really need you to help me with this one. I can't do it alone."

"Oh fine. But you owe me."

"Really?"

"Yes. Ten Galleons."

"Ten!"

"Per meter."

"Get in the car, you bastard."

"Yes sir."

"Thank you. Now…"

"You will find the ignition on the other side of the wheel."

"The what?"

"The place where you put the key."

"Oh! Thanks!"

"This does not instill me with confidence."

"Pfft! I'm a natural. My great-aunt Thelma had two cars!"

"Oh, well that _has_ eased my fears."

"You know, sarcasm doesn't become you."

"Wood…"

"Yes?"

"There's a stop sign ahead."

"And?"

"STOP!"

"MERLIN'S SPLEEN!"

"WOOD!"

"Sorry! I was too busy talking to you!"

"Right! That's it! Let me out NOW!"

"But we have to go to Katie's!"

"We'll fly."

"I can't turn up all scruffy!"

"It's called windswept and dishevelled. Ladies love it."

"How do you know?"

"Unlike some, I have a girlfriend who is currently speaking to me."

"That, my friend, was a low blow."

"I try. Come on, give me a broom."

"Why would I have a broom?"

"Don't try that innocent thing, Wood. I know you keep at least three in the trunk of your car."

"I refuse to be wind-dishevelled."

"Fine! We'll apparate!"

"We can't!"

"Why in Merlin's name not?"

"Myfaishwampimo…"

"Pardon?"

"I failed my test."

"You FAILED?"

"Kind of."

"Oliver!"

"Don't you act all motherly, Weasley! Yes, I failed, and I'm proud of it! So there!"

"Please ignore my friend, Ma'am, he's out on a day pass."

"Shut it Weasley."

"Temper Wood! Come on, let's fly there."

"I can't-"

"Look, you can't apparate there. I refuse to drive there. We'll compromise and fly."

"How is that a compromise?"

"We will both be at a disadvantage. I will have to listen to your gloating over my somewhat less-than-superior flying skills, and you will look unkempt when you apologise to the love of your life."

"Which could be a bonus."

"Which could be a bonus."

"Fine, you sold me. Here, I'll even give you the better broom so you can keep up with me."

"Bastard."

"Jack-ass."

* * *

I have had many enjoyable moments in my life, some with my family, some with my friends. Sometimes it was over extravagant pranks or excursions, and sometimes it was just over refusing to drive.

Many thanks go to Heather the Weird and Crystal Lightning. I'm glad they thought that I captured my essence perfectly. I would only ask that in future reviews are addressed to me and not to Author Gal. She only hosts my stories as she does not have the skills needed to correctly preserve them in writing.

Many thanks,

_P.Weasley_

P.S. When I owled this to Oliver recently, he asked that I assure the readers that he is not homosexual, and that Katie and he are married with children and quite happy together. I was best man at his wedding, and can vouch for his happiness. Thank you.


End file.
